Today

Today I am missing the gentle kicks of my little boy. I miss getting to read about how much he is growing in all our pregnancy books. I miss the ultrasounds where I saw his sweet hands and feet kicking and waving. I miss getting to count down how much longer we would have to meet him. I miss talking to him and reading to him. I miss hearing my husband sing and talk to him.

Despite all that I miss I am thankful what I do have. I am thankful a beautiful daughter, that adds joy and laughter in every part of our days together. I am thankful for a kind, loving, compassionate husband. I am thankful for the moments we have as a family, laughing and talking together. I am thankful for friendships that go above and beyond to show me love. I am thankful for parents that still guide and protect even though I am a parent now. I am thankful for sisters that know me inside and out, and for silly conversations that we have.

I am most thankful that I have a Savior that will make right all that is wrong with day. One that will heal my heart and comfort me in my sadness. Today my arms are empty, but my heart is full. Praise be to God who makes all things beautiful in His time.

Click here to listen to: Faithful - Steven Curtis Chapman

There are no coincidences in life. I feel certain that God is sovereign in every area of our lives. Even in the ones that we struggle to understand and trust Him in. Last night I couldn't sleep and was trying to find something that would comfort my heart. I stumbled upon Steven Curtis Chapman's newest cd. Each song was incredibly impacting, but one in particular really spoke to me. The lyrics to this incredible song are below. I will never understand God's ways, but He is and always will be faithful to abide with us.

I am broken, I am bleeding,
I'm scared and I'm confused,
but You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I am weary, unbelieving.
God please help my unbelief!
Cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful.

I am waiting for the rescue
that I know is sure to come,
cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I've dropped anchor in Your promises,
and I am holding on,
cuz You are faithful.
God You are faithful.


I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful.

So faithful...

Though I cannot have the answer
that I'm wanting to demand,
I'll remember You are God
and everything is in Your hand.
In Your hands you hold the sun, the moon,
the stars up in the sky,
for the sake of Love, You hung Your own Son
on the cross...to die...

You are faithful...
Yes, You are faithful...
When you give and when You take away,
even then, great is Your faithfulness!
Great is Your faithfulness!

And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful!
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh...
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe...

...You're faithful...

One month ago...

One month ago on December 27th, we got the news that our little one had an irregular heart beat. We were 18 weeks pregnant at the time and really had no clue what that meant. There was some concern, but with our first child everything went smoothly and we really though that would be the case again. We saw a specialist and they informed us that our baby was a boy, and that he had an heart defect. I was alone for this appointment and the news hit me like a ton of bricks. I held back tears and listened as the doctor tried to explain what he thought was wrong with his heart.
My husband and I met with the pediatric cardiologist a couple of days later. His news was a little more detailed and even more difficult to hear. Our situation had several different outcomes, but they were uncertain which would be ours. Our best scenario would be that he would have only one surgery between 3-6 months of age. There was another situation in which he would undergo 3 surgeries. One immediately after birth, and the other 2 by the time he was 3.
Our hope and prayer was that he would have only one surgery. At the first appointment there was some fluid present, but the amount was not sufficient to concern the doctors. Much to our sadness with each appointment over the following couple of weeks the news became worse and his condition deteriorated. We along with many friends earnestly prayed that our Memphis would be healed.
God chose not to answer our prayers in the way that we wanted, He took Memphis home before we reached 23 weeks.

The 23 of January, the Sunday prior to finding out he passed we went to the hospital because he had not moved for a day or so. He was very still, completely different than he had been in any previous ultrasound. His heart was slowly beating. Our precious baby boy, took his tiny hand and waved a final goodbye to us.

On January 27th, I delivered our second child, Liam Memphis Green. The nurses wrapped his delicate body in blankets and placed him in a small bassinet. By God's incredible grace we were able to say goodbye to him. My husband and I were blessed to look at this incredible little miracle. The weeks that I carried him, were more sanctifying than any I have ever faced. His precious little life has taught us more lessons than we could have ever imagined.  

Memphis is not with us, but his short life has brought so much glory to God! Through his life and passing we have seen God's love in very physical ways. Friends and family have prayed with us and for us when we were unable. They have brought meals, sent cards, hugged us, played with our daughter and mourned our loss. He taught us that every life is precious. And affirmed our belief that children are a gift from the LORD! Even the ones we never held in our arms. Moreover we have learned that God is faithful. He will never leave us or forsake us. That He is not removed from our hurt and that He holds us even in the darkest of days.

Our prayer has been and continues to be that God will be glorified by the life of our son. We will never understand why God chose to take Memphis, but we are confident that we will see our son again. I am thankful that Memphis will never know pain, hurt or the sorrow of loss.
I am fully aware that this journey is just beginning for us. We know by God's grace this incredible sorrow will make us more like His Son. We pray the we will live out these verses.
 
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10