Placing stones for our children to remember

Reading in the book of Joshua today I came across an incredible picture of what we should be doing for our children. As Joshua prepares the people to enter the promise land, there is a point where they have to cross the Jordan River. Joshua is instructed by God exactly how this should happen. The priests are to step into the river holding the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When they do God promised that He would show His power to the people by drawing back the water for them to pass by. As part of this Joshua was instructed by God to have 1 man from every tribe to take a stone from the river. The people passed over and the stones were carried and placed by Joshua as a memorial. I love what Joshua says here:

"When your children ask in time to come, 'What do those stones mean to you?' then you shall tell them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it passed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever." Joshua 4: 5-7

This was an incredible reminder that God had been faithful to His people yet, again. I am reminded that my daughter needs to see God's work in me. Even through trials and times when I feel weak she needs to see that God is faithful. When we receive blessing and are able to clearly see God's hands at work I want her to be able to see me laying stones to remember His goodness. I am much like the Israelites I am quick to forget that God has taken me out of the wilderness of my sin, and brought me the the promised land of freedom and forgiveness. My prayer that my daughter will one day ask about the "stones" she sees in my life and that I will be able to say this was just another example of God's faithfulness to me!

God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn’t. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. The only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.

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A Grief Observed -C.S. Lewis

 

There have been times over these past few weeks that I have felt like I have been standing in front of target. That my heart was the center and that every arrow of pain was aimed at that bulls-eye. Tears and restless nights have been my companion. I find myself wrestling with this nagging feeling of sorrow. Why am I still hurting? Why is this so fresh? Why can't I move on? So many questions and so few answers. This weekend my newest nephew entered the world. A time that would have marked celebration and anticipation of our son's impending arrival. But, no that wasn't what happened. My husband made a lonely drive to the hospital to share the joy of his brother and sister-in-law. I stayed at home, crying more like weeping. For maybe the first time questioning why it had to be this way. Why couldn't we also be welcoming a son? There was no answer just silence, deafening silence. My husband returned tired and teary eyed. I laid trying to decide if I wanted to know what the details of his arrival. As he shared I cried even more, imagining the faces of each family member as they looked at that sweet little baby boy. 

The next morning I met with a wonderful godly friend that had lost her son 18 years ago, when he was just weeks old. Her story of loss made me weep all the more. I listened as she shared her memories of his brief life and the pain that she felt after his death. For the first time in weeks, I felt like someone knew what I was feeling. That she could understand why I was still crying every time I saw a newborn or heard someone was pregnant. During our conversation there was a point that I remember thinking, so this is what is like on the other side. She talked about her pain and devastation, but then she shared how God had brought her to a place she had never been before. She shared how losing her son, was a process of refinement that she had never experienced before. Here was the light I was looking for. 

 

I saw hope, I felt hope. I know that there are days ahead that I won't be able to see as clearly. I may even chose to wallow in my self pity. But I know that there is grace even for those days. As I left I got into my car and turned on the radio. Praying that God would somehow even use a song to speak to me. Jeremy Camp's "I Still Believe" came on immediately. Beautifully stated were the echoes of my heart:

Scattered words and empty thoughts, Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before, Seems I don't know where to start

But it's now that I feel Your grace fall like rain, From every fingertip washing away my pain

'Cause I still believe in Your faithfulness, 'Cause I still believe in Your truth
'Cause I still believe in Your Holy Word, Even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind, With promises I still seem to bear
For even when answers slowly unwind, It's my heart I see You prepare

But it's now that I feel Your grace fall like rain, From every fingertip washing away my pain

'Cause I still believe in Your faithfulness, 'Cause I still believe in Your truth
'Cause I still believe in Your Holy Word, Even when I don't see, I still believe

Well the only place I can go is into Your arms, Where I throw to You my feeble prayers
Well in brokenness I can see that this is Your will for me, Well help me to know that You are near

I am writing this entry as a reminder to myself. I can't know why we lost Memphis. I can't make myself heal any faster. I can trust in a sovereign and loving God that cares for me. I can praise Him for allowing my flimsy sense of control to stripped away so I can better see who He is. I can trust that He will cleanse me deeply even through tears of sorrow. He will turn my sorrow to joy again.