January comes

There is something about January that I can't quite find the words to express. It creeps in slowly, like a dense fog. I become distracted and weepy. I sit across the table from my daughters, my three beautiful healthy daughters. I sit and cry and beg for a hug. My mind can't seem to get in pace with my heart. For the past 4 years it has happened the slow ache that comes over. Like an unwanted guests that comes into my home without an invitation. My eyes seemed to brim with tears and the words don't seem to come. I want to pull back from everyone. At first I can't put my finger on why I feel so heavy, then it comes. The memories of the snowy days and sad doctor appointments. The dark hospital room and deep pain that medicine can't touch.
BUT there in the darkness in the sadness there is this soft whisper. It is sweet and gentle. It blows steady and lifts the fog. He is there. My Friend, my Comfort, my Rock, my Redeemer. He is there is the memory of sweet friends bringing food and sending cards of comfort.  He is there in dark hospital room as the words of a beloved hymn hang in the air. He is there in my little brown eyed girl sitting quietly in lap as I weep. He is there is the long hug of my sister who seems to share the heaviness of my very heart. He is there in my husbands tears and powerful prayers. His image reflected in so many. He is there in the beautiful and painful. My God is faithful. My God is good.

Looking Back and Looking Ahead

     Today is the second anniversary of our saying goodbye to our precious Memphis. I am filled with such an overwhelming sense of God's grace in my life today. This week God has spoken so strongly through His word to me, first through these verses:

 "I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast with in me. Yet, I call this to mind and therefore have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:19-23.

     This week has flooded back memories of doctors appointments, long faces and sleepless nights. The memories of pain and so much confusion. Right alongside those memories are very sweet ones, the ulstrasound where we saw that sweet baby wave a gentle good bye to us, singing Because He Lives around my hospital bed as we looked at his tiny little face, days and days of family and friends calling and coming over to love on my family. God has allowed me not to forget the pain, and I am grateful. The pain has allowed me to have compassion, but He has also met me with incredible hope. Today He allowed me to glimpse His beautiful sunrise, (or at least the last moments of it). It was radiant and life giving. To follow that precious gift He brought me to these verses of hope and promise:

"See, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will  they come to mind. But, be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create, for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight and its people a joy. I will rejoice over Jerusalem and take delight in my people; the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more. 'Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years';..." Isaiah 65:17-20

   My sweet husband, always seems to find the most beautiful way of saying what is in his heart said this last night, "I may not have been able to introduce my son to Jesus, but I feel like Jesus will introduce me to my son." Today I will look back, and I will will remember and choose to call to mind His faithfulness. Today I will look ahead and run toward the promise of hope.

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl!

Happy Birthday to my sweet Andie! You are the dream we didn't dare dream after so much loss. I held my breath every day of pregnancy with you still unsure if you would be held in our arms. That wonderful December day that they held you up for me to see I was sure my heart would beat out of my chest. You were so quiet and calm, giving the other babies a raised eyebrow for screaming. Those first days with you were so sweet. We missed our Crosby and longed to be all together, but you enjoyed having Mommy all to yourself. You were a cuddly sweet and calm baby. Today you are energetic and always so busy. But on the rare occasion I get a chance to sit and hold you and rub those sweet soft cheeks. We love you so much Andie, you were what we needed and God gave us such a gift in you!

How Great is Your Faithfulness

Recently I have been studying the promises God made to the Israelites. He made a covenantal promise to them that He alone could keep. God's great faithfulness has never and will never be contingent on what we bring to the table. As I am in the last trimester of this pregnancy with Andersyn, I feel an overwhelming sense of God's mercy being poured out. In January of this year I could have never imagined that God would restore joy and give life where death and sorrow held such a strong hold. However He was faithful, He remained faithful to me as He did the Israelites through groaning and faithless choices. God has chosen to bring joy in the morning, and sustain us through a night of suffering. Andersyn Grace, you are a tribute to the incredible faithfulness of a kind loving and gentle Father. He has marked your life with redemption and has set you apart for His glory!

Let this verse be the theme and song of your precious life:

	"Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen."

1 Tim. 1:17


*Update this is my sweet and beautiful blue eyed girl. Isn't she a dream?

Crosby you are a gift!

I wanted to blog today because to remind myself of how incredibly blessed I am as a mother. As a parent we see benchmarks as a way of assessing how well are children are doing and in return how we are performing as parents. There is always a list of where your child should be in their abilities physically, socially, emotionally and mentally. This weekend I was reminded that there are some qualities in those precious souls that no benchmark could ever measure.
My daughter Crosby, is an incredible young lady. Independent, strong, kind and beautiful. She amazes me in her unending care and love for those around her. This Sunday I had the privileged of keeping the nursery at our church. She along with a few other children were with me. The ever worrying, ever watching mother quickly noticed the drastic difference between her communication ability and that of her peers. This has been an on going struggle for me to watch.
As tears welled up in my eyes, I was stopped to watch her interact with the others. There was a little girl, newer to the group. Crosby immediately went and befriended her. Offering toys, a hug, and a smile. No decipherable words were communicated by my daughter but the love and generosity was obvious.
Later in the morning she came to use some toys that another child had left, when the previous child saw her she rushed to reclaim her toys previously abandoned. I braced for the worst, thinking that Crosby would surely fuss over this injustice. On the contrary she helped the other child pick up the toys and gave them over with a large smile.
Time after time my daughter showed kindness and generosity far beyond her mere 2 years. I was reminded again that there are some gifts and talents that no test can show. I may never be able to brag that my daughter counted to 50 or knew all her colors before she was two, but I can choose to be awed at the heart that God has placed in that sweet child. I can relish the moments that she amazes me with her generosity to others. And above all I can make sure she knows just how special she is!

The good, the bad, the honest truth of it all

It is strange how days and weeks can come and go and I am so busy with taking care of Crosby or trying to keep this house organized (loosely used term) that I can not feel the weight and sadness of losing Memphis. I always think of him. Today was a "bad day" as I call them. A couple in our new church delivered their baby boy early this morning. I didn't think I would feel any sadness until this morning, when all that hit me a new. My baby boy won't ever be coming home with us. He will never be able to be apart of family hugs and morning cuddles. I have found myself crying and mourning his loss all over again. Thinking of what should be, and realizing what is. The honest truth is my heart is not healed completely, and probably won't this side of glory. What I do hold and treasure are the sweet moments when my Crosby asks if I want another kiss, which my answer will always be yes. I will hold tightly to the nudging kicks of my sweet new growing baby girl. I will embrace the good that God has allowed for me today and allow Him to hold my broken heart together when I can't. I will fight the sadness that would loom over me like a cloud and stand in the truth of the gospel. I will learn the truth of this verse:
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 2 Cor. 4:17
I will abandon myself to the one that heals all our wounds by His great sacrifice and redemption.

Happy 2nd Birthday Sweet Crosby!

Two years ago I looked something like this...

Except I think by the time you decided to make your appearance I may have looked a little more worn down. You as always were on your time table. Two weeks before my due date, the last day of school as I am about to rush out the door my water breaks. I called Daddy and had him come back home. Before I knew it Daddy was frantically driving me to the hospital. I laughed and said to slow down, that you weren't coming just yet. Little did I know how true that statement was. After 24 hours in hospital in labor you still weren't ready to make your appearance, so the doctors decided to help you out. They wheeled me down to the OR where in just a few brief moments I got to meet the most incredible little baby. Daddy cried looking at you, because you were so perfect and beautiful. I couldn't hold you yet, but when I heard your sweet voice I cried too. Then they brought you over for me to meet.

It was love at first sight let me just tell you! You had to go back to our room without me so Daddy went with you. I remember being so sad that we were separated for the first time in 9 months! When I got to the room, all I heard was you screaming! You were not happy at all! They brought you to me and I held you and you calmed down instantly. I think you missed me as much I missed you. I sat and stared at your perfect little face. Daddy ran to tell Grandma, Papa, and Bebe that you arrived and were healthy. He came back and the three of us sat for a long time. He and I just stared at you and tried to wrap our minds around the fact that you were actually here with us. Your Bebe, Papa, and Grandma had waited up all night to see you so they came down and held you and talked about how beautiful you were. Those first days were wonderful you slept and ate. Daddy changed your diapers (which was wonderful)! Bringing you home was everything we imagined. There were balloons and signs that Bebe and Aunt Kiki put out. The best part was having you with us.

Everyday it seemed you grew and changed. After a month you looked so different, but somethings didn't change at all. You loved to be held. You didn't want to be put down. You were a momma's girl from the beginning. Now you are 2. I don't know where the time went. I see you running around, entertaining yourself, making friends and I think where is that little baby I brought home.

I know that you may not remember being this age and all the fun you have. I want you to know somethings about how wonderful you are. You always meet Daddy at the door when he comes home at night. It makes his day to see your face light up and call for him to pick you up! You look at books constantly and pretend to read them. You love talking on the phone. You will talk with Bebe, Aunt Kiki, Bay, Papa, Daddy or anyone that calls. You have an unusual affection for Andy Griffith and watch the show as much as possible! You are very brave and never seem to shy away from endangering yourself by climbing or jumping off things. You are empathetic beyond your young years. You wipe away tears, hold my hand if I am sad, and rub Daddy's back when he seems down. You are still shy around strangers, but once you decided you like someone you are as friendly as you can be. You like sweet foods, and would eat cookies every meal of the day if allowed. I can't keep milk in the house, because you drink it constantly. You love your bed time routine, especially when we sing your lullaby. You stare at Daddy and smile in such loving way.

More than anything I want you to know that at 2 you have made our world more full than either your Daddy or I could have imagined. Your laughter fills this home and our hearts. We love you sweet baby and are fortunate to call you our daughter. Happy Birthday Crosby!

Love,
Mommy