January comes

There is something about January that I can't quite find the words to express. It creeps in slowly, like a dense fog. I become distracted and weepy. I sit across the table from my daughters, my three beautiful healthy daughters. I sit and cry and beg for a hug. My mind can't seem to get in pace with my heart. For the past 4 years it has happened the slow ache that comes over. Like an unwanted guests that comes into my home without an invitation. My eyes seemed to brim with tears and the words don't seem to come. I want to pull back from everyone. At first I can't put my finger on why I feel so heavy, then it comes. The memories of the snowy days and sad doctor appointments. The dark hospital room and deep pain that medicine can't touch.
BUT there in the darkness in the sadness there is this soft whisper. It is sweet and gentle. It blows steady and lifts the fog. He is there. My Friend, my Comfort, my Rock, my Redeemer. He is there is the memory of sweet friends bringing food and sending cards of comfort.  He is there in dark hospital room as the words of a beloved hymn hang in the air. He is there in my little brown eyed girl sitting quietly in lap as I weep. He is there is the long hug of my sister who seems to share the heaviness of my very heart. He is there in my husbands tears and powerful prayers. His image reflected in so many. He is there in the beautiful and painful. My God is faithful. My God is good.