How Great is Your Faithfulness

Recently I have been studying the promises God made to the Israelites. He made a covenantal promise to them that He alone could keep. God's great faithfulness has never and will never be contingent on what we bring to the table. As I am in the last trimester of this pregnancy with Andersyn, I feel an overwhelming sense of God's mercy being poured out. In January of this year I could have never imagined that God would restore joy and give life where death and sorrow held such a strong hold. However He was faithful, He remained faithful to me as He did the Israelites through groaning and faithless choices. God has chosen to bring joy in the morning, and sustain us through a night of suffering. Andersyn Grace, you are a tribute to the incredible faithfulness of a kind loving and gentle Father. He has marked your life with redemption and has set you apart for His glory!

Let this verse be the theme and song of your precious life:

	"Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen."

1 Tim. 1:17


*Update this is my sweet and beautiful blue eyed girl. Isn't she a dream?

Crosby you are a gift!

I wanted to blog today because to remind myself of how incredibly blessed I am as a mother. As a parent we see benchmarks as a way of assessing how well are children are doing and in return how we are performing as parents. There is always a list of where your child should be in their abilities physically, socially, emotionally and mentally. This weekend I was reminded that there are some qualities in those precious souls that no benchmark could ever measure.
My daughter Crosby, is an incredible young lady. Independent, strong, kind and beautiful. She amazes me in her unending care and love for those around her. This Sunday I had the privileged of keeping the nursery at our church. She along with a few other children were with me. The ever worrying, ever watching mother quickly noticed the drastic difference between her communication ability and that of her peers. This has been an on going struggle for me to watch.
As tears welled up in my eyes, I was stopped to watch her interact with the others. There was a little girl, newer to the group. Crosby immediately went and befriended her. Offering toys, a hug, and a smile. No decipherable words were communicated by my daughter but the love and generosity was obvious.
Later in the morning she came to use some toys that another child had left, when the previous child saw her she rushed to reclaim her toys previously abandoned. I braced for the worst, thinking that Crosby would surely fuss over this injustice. On the contrary she helped the other child pick up the toys and gave them over with a large smile.
Time after time my daughter showed kindness and generosity far beyond her mere 2 years. I was reminded again that there are some gifts and talents that no test can show. I may never be able to brag that my daughter counted to 50 or knew all her colors before she was two, but I can choose to be awed at the heart that God has placed in that sweet child. I can relish the moments that she amazes me with her generosity to others. And above all I can make sure she knows just how special she is!

The good, the bad, the honest truth of it all

It is strange how days and weeks can come and go and I am so busy with taking care of Crosby or trying to keep this house organized (loosely used term) that I can not feel the weight and sadness of losing Memphis. I always think of him. Today was a "bad day" as I call them. A couple in our new church delivered their baby boy early this morning. I didn't think I would feel any sadness until this morning, when all that hit me a new. My baby boy won't ever be coming home with us. He will never be able to be apart of family hugs and morning cuddles. I have found myself crying and mourning his loss all over again. Thinking of what should be, and realizing what is. The honest truth is my heart is not healed completely, and probably won't this side of glory. What I do hold and treasure are the sweet moments when my Crosby asks if I want another kiss, which my answer will always be yes. I will hold tightly to the nudging kicks of my sweet new growing baby girl. I will embrace the good that God has allowed for me today and allow Him to hold my broken heart together when I can't. I will fight the sadness that would loom over me like a cloud and stand in the truth of the gospel. I will learn the truth of this verse:
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 2 Cor. 4:17
I will abandon myself to the one that heals all our wounds by His great sacrifice and redemption.

Happy 2nd Birthday Sweet Crosby!

Two years ago I looked something like this...

Except I think by the time you decided to make your appearance I may have looked a little more worn down. You as always were on your time table. Two weeks before my due date, the last day of school as I am about to rush out the door my water breaks. I called Daddy and had him come back home. Before I knew it Daddy was frantically driving me to the hospital. I laughed and said to slow down, that you weren't coming just yet. Little did I know how true that statement was. After 24 hours in hospital in labor you still weren't ready to make your appearance, so the doctors decided to help you out. They wheeled me down to the OR where in just a few brief moments I got to meet the most incredible little baby. Daddy cried looking at you, because you were so perfect and beautiful. I couldn't hold you yet, but when I heard your sweet voice I cried too. Then they brought you over for me to meet.

It was love at first sight let me just tell you! You had to go back to our room without me so Daddy went with you. I remember being so sad that we were separated for the first time in 9 months! When I got to the room, all I heard was you screaming! You were not happy at all! They brought you to me and I held you and you calmed down instantly. I think you missed me as much I missed you. I sat and stared at your perfect little face. Daddy ran to tell Grandma, Papa, and Bebe that you arrived and were healthy. He came back and the three of us sat for a long time. He and I just stared at you and tried to wrap our minds around the fact that you were actually here with us. Your Bebe, Papa, and Grandma had waited up all night to see you so they came down and held you and talked about how beautiful you were. Those first days were wonderful you slept and ate. Daddy changed your diapers (which was wonderful)! Bringing you home was everything we imagined. There were balloons and signs that Bebe and Aunt Kiki put out. The best part was having you with us.

Everyday it seemed you grew and changed. After a month you looked so different, but somethings didn't change at all. You loved to be held. You didn't want to be put down. You were a momma's girl from the beginning. Now you are 2. I don't know where the time went. I see you running around, entertaining yourself, making friends and I think where is that little baby I brought home.

I know that you may not remember being this age and all the fun you have. I want you to know somethings about how wonderful you are. You always meet Daddy at the door when he comes home at night. It makes his day to see your face light up and call for him to pick you up! You look at books constantly and pretend to read them. You love talking on the phone. You will talk with Bebe, Aunt Kiki, Bay, Papa, Daddy or anyone that calls. You have an unusual affection for Andy Griffith and watch the show as much as possible! You are very brave and never seem to shy away from endangering yourself by climbing or jumping off things. You are empathetic beyond your young years. You wipe away tears, hold my hand if I am sad, and rub Daddy's back when he seems down. You are still shy around strangers, but once you decided you like someone you are as friendly as you can be. You like sweet foods, and would eat cookies every meal of the day if allowed. I can't keep milk in the house, because you drink it constantly. You love your bed time routine, especially when we sing your lullaby. You stare at Daddy and smile in such loving way.

More than anything I want you to know that at 2 you have made our world more full than either your Daddy or I could have imagined. Your laughter fills this home and our hearts. We love you sweet baby and are fortunate to call you our daughter. Happy Birthday Crosby!

Love,
Mommy

Psalm 139: 13 For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
   How vast is the sum of them!

These verses have such an impact on my heart today. May 26, 2010 was the due date for our sweet Memphis. God's plans were different than ours. He took our son to be with Him on January 27, 2010 instead. I have struggled these past months wrestling with grief and fear. How could God allow this to happen He is able to do anything, why wouldn't He heal Memphis. Last night as I sat alone I came across a song that moved my heart in a way that words fail to express. The writers experienced a similar journey of loss. I found myself captivated by the couple as they spoke of their pregnancy, diagnosis, and final loss of their daughter. I was struck by their incredible faith and honestly before the LORD. In  this God whispered such truth and comfort for me. One being that our sweet boy is living more fully than this world would have ever given to him. He knows only peace and completeness. He has seen things that my feeble mind could never grasp. I have wept more this week than I would like to admit, but it has been for my loss not Memphis'. I was also reminded that although his life was brief, it continues to make an impact that is yet to be fully seen. He changed our lives by his presence and I am eternally grateful for the way God has used him to draw us closer to Himself.
I heard it said as I listened to that couple's story there was never a "plan B." So often I want to think that this couldn't have been the best for any of us. More and more I am seeing this was God's sovereign and perfect plan for our family. I choose to celebrate the life that we had here with us for the briefest of weeks, and to cling to the incredible love of a Savior that holds both my life and my son's in His hands.

Placing stones for our children to remember

Reading in the book of Joshua today I came across an incredible picture of what we should be doing for our children. As Joshua prepares the people to enter the promise land, there is a point where they have to cross the Jordan River. Joshua is instructed by God exactly how this should happen. The priests are to step into the river holding the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When they do God promised that He would show His power to the people by drawing back the water for them to pass by. As part of this Joshua was instructed by God to have 1 man from every tribe to take a stone from the river. The people passed over and the stones were carried and placed by Joshua as a memorial. I love what Joshua says here:

"When your children ask in time to come, 'What do those stones mean to you?' then you shall tell them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it passed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever." Joshua 4: 5-7

This was an incredible reminder that God had been faithful to His people yet, again. I am reminded that my daughter needs to see God's work in me. Even through trials and times when I feel weak she needs to see that God is faithful. When we receive blessing and are able to clearly see God's hands at work I want her to be able to see me laying stones to remember His goodness. I am much like the Israelites I am quick to forget that God has taken me out of the wilderness of my sin, and brought me the the promised land of freedom and forgiveness. My prayer that my daughter will one day ask about the "stones" she sees in my life and that I will be able to say this was just another example of God's faithfulness to me!

God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn’t. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. The only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.

---

A Grief Observed -C.S. Lewis

 

There have been times over these past few weeks that I have felt like I have been standing in front of target. That my heart was the center and that every arrow of pain was aimed at that bulls-eye. Tears and restless nights have been my companion. I find myself wrestling with this nagging feeling of sorrow. Why am I still hurting? Why is this so fresh? Why can't I move on? So many questions and so few answers. This weekend my newest nephew entered the world. A time that would have marked celebration and anticipation of our son's impending arrival. But, no that wasn't what happened. My husband made a lonely drive to the hospital to share the joy of his brother and sister-in-law. I stayed at home, crying more like weeping. For maybe the first time questioning why it had to be this way. Why couldn't we also be welcoming a son? There was no answer just silence, deafening silence. My husband returned tired and teary eyed. I laid trying to decide if I wanted to know what the details of his arrival. As he shared I cried even more, imagining the faces of each family member as they looked at that sweet little baby boy. 

The next morning I met with a wonderful godly friend that had lost her son 18 years ago, when he was just weeks old. Her story of loss made me weep all the more. I listened as she shared her memories of his brief life and the pain that she felt after his death. For the first time in weeks, I felt like someone knew what I was feeling. That she could understand why I was still crying every time I saw a newborn or heard someone was pregnant. During our conversation there was a point that I remember thinking, so this is what is like on the other side. She talked about her pain and devastation, but then she shared how God had brought her to a place she had never been before. She shared how losing her son, was a process of refinement that she had never experienced before. Here was the light I was looking for. 

 

I saw hope, I felt hope. I know that there are days ahead that I won't be able to see as clearly. I may even chose to wallow in my self pity. But I know that there is grace even for those days. As I left I got into my car and turned on the radio. Praying that God would somehow even use a song to speak to me. Jeremy Camp's "I Still Believe" came on immediately. Beautifully stated were the echoes of my heart:

Scattered words and empty thoughts, Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before, Seems I don't know where to start

But it's now that I feel Your grace fall like rain, From every fingertip washing away my pain

'Cause I still believe in Your faithfulness, 'Cause I still believe in Your truth
'Cause I still believe in Your Holy Word, Even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind, With promises I still seem to bear
For even when answers slowly unwind, It's my heart I see You prepare

But it's now that I feel Your grace fall like rain, From every fingertip washing away my pain

'Cause I still believe in Your faithfulness, 'Cause I still believe in Your truth
'Cause I still believe in Your Holy Word, Even when I don't see, I still believe

Well the only place I can go is into Your arms, Where I throw to You my feeble prayers
Well in brokenness I can see that this is Your will for me, Well help me to know that You are near

I am writing this entry as a reminder to myself. I can't know why we lost Memphis. I can't make myself heal any faster. I can trust in a sovereign and loving God that cares for me. I can praise Him for allowing my flimsy sense of control to stripped away so I can better see who He is. I can trust that He will cleanse me deeply even through tears of sorrow. He will turn my sorrow to joy again.

Today

Today I am missing the gentle kicks of my little boy. I miss getting to read about how much he is growing in all our pregnancy books. I miss the ultrasounds where I saw his sweet hands and feet kicking and waving. I miss getting to count down how much longer we would have to meet him. I miss talking to him and reading to him. I miss hearing my husband sing and talk to him.

Despite all that I miss I am thankful what I do have. I am thankful a beautiful daughter, that adds joy and laughter in every part of our days together. I am thankful for a kind, loving, compassionate husband. I am thankful for the moments we have as a family, laughing and talking together. I am thankful for friendships that go above and beyond to show me love. I am thankful for parents that still guide and protect even though I am a parent now. I am thankful for sisters that know me inside and out, and for silly conversations that we have.

I am most thankful that I have a Savior that will make right all that is wrong with day. One that will heal my heart and comfort me in my sadness. Today my arms are empty, but my heart is full. Praise be to God who makes all things beautiful in His time.

Click here to listen to: Faithful - Steven Curtis Chapman

There are no coincidences in life. I feel certain that God is sovereign in every area of our lives. Even in the ones that we struggle to understand and trust Him in. Last night I couldn't sleep and was trying to find something that would comfort my heart. I stumbled upon Steven Curtis Chapman's newest cd. Each song was incredibly impacting, but one in particular really spoke to me. The lyrics to this incredible song are below. I will never understand God's ways, but He is and always will be faithful to abide with us.

I am broken, I am bleeding,
I'm scared and I'm confused,
but You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I am weary, unbelieving.
God please help my unbelief!
Cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful.

I am waiting for the rescue
that I know is sure to come,
cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I've dropped anchor in Your promises,
and I am holding on,
cuz You are faithful.
God You are faithful.


I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful.

So faithful...

Though I cannot have the answer
that I'm wanting to demand,
I'll remember You are God
and everything is in Your hand.
In Your hands you hold the sun, the moon,
the stars up in the sky,
for the sake of Love, You hung Your own Son
on the cross...to die...

You are faithful...
Yes, You are faithful...
When you give and when You take away,
even then, great is Your faithfulness!
Great is Your faithfulness!

And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful!
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh...
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe...

...You're faithful...

One month ago...

One month ago on December 27th, we got the news that our little one had an irregular heart beat. We were 18 weeks pregnant at the time and really had no clue what that meant. There was some concern, but with our first child everything went smoothly and we really though that would be the case again. We saw a specialist and they informed us that our baby was a boy, and that he had an heart defect. I was alone for this appointment and the news hit me like a ton of bricks. I held back tears and listened as the doctor tried to explain what he thought was wrong with his heart.
My husband and I met with the pediatric cardiologist a couple of days later. His news was a little more detailed and even more difficult to hear. Our situation had several different outcomes, but they were uncertain which would be ours. Our best scenario would be that he would have only one surgery between 3-6 months of age. There was another situation in which he would undergo 3 surgeries. One immediately after birth, and the other 2 by the time he was 3.
Our hope and prayer was that he would have only one surgery. At the first appointment there was some fluid present, but the amount was not sufficient to concern the doctors. Much to our sadness with each appointment over the following couple of weeks the news became worse and his condition deteriorated. We along with many friends earnestly prayed that our Memphis would be healed.
God chose not to answer our prayers in the way that we wanted, He took Memphis home before we reached 23 weeks.

The 23 of January, the Sunday prior to finding out he passed we went to the hospital because he had not moved for a day or so. He was very still, completely different than he had been in any previous ultrasound. His heart was slowly beating. Our precious baby boy, took his tiny hand and waved a final goodbye to us.

On January 27th, I delivered our second child, Liam Memphis Green. The nurses wrapped his delicate body in blankets and placed him in a small bassinet. By God's incredible grace we were able to say goodbye to him. My husband and I were blessed to look at this incredible little miracle. The weeks that I carried him, were more sanctifying than any I have ever faced. His precious little life has taught us more lessons than we could have ever imagined.  

Memphis is not with us, but his short life has brought so much glory to God! Through his life and passing we have seen God's love in very physical ways. Friends and family have prayed with us and for us when we were unable. They have brought meals, sent cards, hugged us, played with our daughter and mourned our loss. He taught us that every life is precious. And affirmed our belief that children are a gift from the LORD! Even the ones we never held in our arms. Moreover we have learned that God is faithful. He will never leave us or forsake us. That He is not removed from our hurt and that He holds us even in the darkest of days.

Our prayer has been and continues to be that God will be glorified by the life of our son. We will never understand why God chose to take Memphis, but we are confident that we will see our son again. I am thankful that Memphis will never know pain, hurt or the sorrow of loss.
I am fully aware that this journey is just beginning for us. We know by God's grace this incredible sorrow will make us more like His Son. We pray the we will live out these verses.
 
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10